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What Does Your Uber Rating Say About You?

Updated: Dec 13, 2019

New York

Open your Uber app and click the top left.  That’s your rating, and the funny thing is, your drivers have been rating you for years, yet most people have never seen their score, which is good!  That means you were being your true self in all those Uber rides, and over the long term, that says a lot about your personality.  So, what does your score mean?  Compare below;

5.0 Stars: Five stars only means one thing, you’re new. I’m guessing you just crawled out of your cave.  Welcome to the land of the living!  Get out more!  Maybe catch some sun once in a while.  It wouldn’t kill you!

4.99: Everyone loves you.  This score is basically impossible.  You’re probably some kiss ass or some kind of rare unicorn like a hot chick that’s always polite and engaging.  That means you’ve probably also had everything in life you’ve ever wanted, and your dad probably loved you.  Fuck you and every little perfect thing about you.  

4.95-4.98: You’re super friendly, understanding, intuitive, and agreeable. You’re the one everyone wants to be around. You probably tip well too.  1 in 1,000.  

4.85-4.94: You have good people skills but you also have opinions and those come out, but you’re pretty reasonable, so it’s usually not an issue.  You’re smart, witty, and sometimes too clever for your own good.  But overall, people like you and you do well in life.  

4.75-4.84: The Hillary Clinton Zone - You’re fine, but there is a little bit of a social disconnect, although most people can’t really put their finger on it.  You usually think of yourself first, but you try to be diplomatic about it.  Loosen up a little.  Maybe not be so robotic and calculating.  Work on your small talk, you kinda suck at it.  

4.60-4.74: Okay, Ted Cruz, this is how Uber works.  That car is going to take you where you want to go and you just try not to be weird, or at least not the whole time.  Talk about something other than yourself or be quiet.  Don’t give directions.  Don’t eat in the car.  Don’t sit in the front by the driver if you’re the only one in the car.  Don’t touch the dash and turn up her music and fuck with the air conditioning.  Don’t flirt or be gross.  Don’t pick your nose.  Just imagine how a normal human would act and do that.  

<4.60: You should be taking Lyft.  Seriously, are drivers still picking you up?  I bet you get skipped a lot.  How long does it usually take you to get a ride?  An hour?  You’ve probably taken Uber Walk a lot.  Maybe don’t be drunk assholes with your old frat buddies at every possible social situation.  Nobody wants to hear about your college glory, drink some water and


Well, I hope this guide was helpful.  Now get out there and pretend to be a better person than you are to manipulate the system into thinking you’re smarter, kinder, and more social!  You can do this!  Good luck!  


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