10. Mormonism - Joseph Smith said there are three levels of Heaven, kinda like Tootsies in Nashville (the third level is the best). I like the idea of two more gated communities in Heaven to keep me away from poorer angels, the ban on black people (or just the idea in general that black is bad, but if you’re good enough, you can turn white) but my question is: what do I actually get in Heaven? I’m not seeing a lot except a requirement to take a new name and a celestial wife. I was kinda thinking I would play the field. Pass.
9. Scientology - The best part of this religion is how their members are treated. I would subject my followers to this kind of crazy shit if I could, but I’m not exactly sure how they get away with North Korean tactics. Much like the mob or ISIS, if you leave, you are punished and harassed until you die. Great people.
8. Islam - Even though a lot of Muslims practice Islam, I will set that aside for a minute. 72 virgins sounds like a trap to me, to be honest. I mean, even if virgins are your thing, what happens on day 73? You have 72 jealous cranky women to contend with for all eternity? Pass.
7. Judaism - I like Jews. Very fine people. Not enough Jesus for me though. Plus I wouldn’t get any gifts on Christmas, and I don’t even like candles 🕎 What do I get in Heaven? Well, the idea of being sent to purgatory first is a deal breaker. I need to go straight to KFC when I get there, then watch some tv and take a nap.
6. Buddhism - I love the idea of multiple levels of Heaven to keep me from the plebs, but Buddhism has a major flaw: Karma. Who thought of this? Good deeds don’t benefit me at all! And if Karma was a real thing, I’d have more debt with God than Russia. No thanks!
5. Hinduism - also has Karma, seven layers of Heaven like burrito 🌯, but better than Buddhism because these Heavens are still flawed and I can kinda be myself... if I made it. Not digging the Karma thing though...
4. Sikhism - Heaven and Hell are just phases of life, so just make your Heaven now! I have accidentally been doing this my whole life, so I would probably be the highest ranking person in this religion. I’m winning at Sikhism. Must research more.
3. Christianity - This religion is the one most of my supporters believe, so it’s pretty high on the list for me. Plus, I have a lot in common with Jesus. People love me, I have about 12 friends, I spend a lot of time with criminals, and I’ve had a prostitute wash my feet with her tears. Strong candidate!
2. Agnosticism - I don’t know. You don’t know. So, don’t tell me how to live, okay? You do you. I’ll do me. Cool? Only down side here is no clear picture of Heaven. Uncertainty is scary.
1. Pastafarianism - This religion has very little restrictions or dogma, but when you get to Heaven there is a stripper factory and a beer volcano, plus everyone is dressed in pirate gear. SOLD!