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DNC Preparing Petty Differences to Re-Elect Trump

Updated: Apr 27, 2019

By Jared Smith

Washington D.C. -

On Wednesday, Democratic National Committee leader Tom Perez announced a partnership with GO2016YFI “The purpose of this partnership is to help heal the wounds suffered from a bitter primary in 2016. GO will be providing online counseling services, punching bags in the likeness of Donald Trump, and soundbytes from 2016 when [Senator Sanders and Secretary Clinton] said nice things about one another,” said Mr. Perez. “Our goal here is to really help everyone get over what happened three-years-ago, because unless we’re unified there’s no plausible way we’re going to keep this administration from hurting people of color, putting children in cages, giving huge tax breaks to the ultra-wealthy, or saving what healthcare we have.”  Founded by sometimes-Democrat-but-always-liberal Gerald Hildebrand in 2018 following the Democrats’ blue wave, Get Over 2016 You Fucking Idiots was created to keep Democrats, liberals, and progressives from repeating the mistakes of 2016; which included a resounding loss to Republicans and the election of Donald J. Trump to the presidency.  “We have a lot of Sanders supporters who believe he would have won,” Hildebrand began, “and we have a lot of former Clinton supporters who blame her loss on Sanders. We created GO as a way to basically say, ‘Does it really fucking matter? No, because unless you want the Tangerine Toddler to remain in office, then you need to put your fee-fees aside and act like god damn grownups.’”  Based in Spokane, Washington, GO2016YFI employs five full-time employees and hundreds of volunteers throughout the country who work diligently at providing online counseling for those who can’t get over one primary from three-years-ago.  “I do it because I care,” Patricia Shartline, a licensed therapist who volunteers her time counseling angry Millennials through the GO app, told me. Though she was a diehard Sanders supporter, she threw her support behind Clinton the moment Bernie lost New York and never looked back. “She wasn’t a perfect candidate, but neither was he – and I think a lot of people just seem to forget that not getting exactly what you want doesn’t mean you have to settle for getting absolutely nothing.” She paused, “Or, in the case of Trump, getting the exact opposite of what you want.”  GO’s platform is primarily app based since, according to Hildebrand, Millennials don’t really like talking on the phone. “We originally had a call forwarding operation that sent callers to our volunteers, but we learned pretty quickly that many Millennials aren’t comfortable using their phones to actually talk on. The text option in our app is much more popular and effective, though we learned early on it was best to disable picture sending because some male Millennials think that any texting with a member of the opposite sex is an invitation to send dick pics,” Hildebrand said, shaking his head.  Theodore Lora, GO’s Outreach Director, told me, “If you analyze the data, it seems like we’re getting through to most of those who use our services. I mean, honestly, like, most of these people are angry because they live in this very consumerist, instant gratification society and like, they aren’t used to not getting what they want. So when we explain to them, ‘Look guys, like, you’re kind of falling prey to the very thing you all are rallying against’ it makes them stop and go, ‘Hmm…maybe you’re right. Shit. This is a ploy by the billionaires!’ And that usually gets us to a point to where we can expand the dialogue and, like, really have an honest discussion about their feelings and then build from there.”


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