Washington D.C. -
Sources claiming to be within the Mueller investigative team have leaked what they say is the complete, un-redacted Mueller Report outlining Trump’s involvement with Russia and possible obstruction, and it reads:
“President Trump is a wise, generous and brilliant man whose essential goodness is surpassed only by his deep humility.
He has the wit of Mark Twain, the hands of Larry Bird, and he's a dead ringer for Robert Redford. He dances like Fred Astaire, and he's hung like Secretariat.
After graduating Summa cum Laude he led the New York Yankees to 3 World Series while simultaneously winning 3 PGA Championships.
When his country called, he was ready and overcame painful bone spurs, he served 3 tours in 'Nam with John Rambo, winning the Congressional Medal of Honor.
He returned home to make his way in the world. By day he built thrusting skyscrapers that made Ayn Rand spontaneously orgasm. By night he battled criminal masterminds for the soul of his city.
During decades in the construction business he never met anyone from the Mafia despite his mentor Roy Cohn being a notorious bagman for the Mob.
His bestselling book "The Art Of The Deal" was made into an Oscar, Grammy and Tony award winning musical. He was offered an Emmy Lifetime Achievement award but turned it down because it just wasn't gold enough.
Despite Donald Jr openly bragging about plentiful Russian funding for Trump businesses (which he divested from- you saw all the folders) he wouldn't recognize a Russian oligarch in a line-up.
His 3 Atlantic City casinos help finance his Christian philanthropy. The Pope offered him a sainthood. He's devoted to his highly intelligent super model wife and has never met a porn star or hooker in his life. Especially Russian ones in 2013.
Despite Obama bussing ten million illegal Kenyans in to vote in New Hampshire Trump won in 2016 by 30 million votes. All 30 million of them turned up to rejoice at his inauguration...Led Zeppelin reformed to play the main stage. When they hungered he divided a few loaves and fishes and fed the masses. He bestrides the world like a Colossus who never colluded, never obstructed, and never committed a crime or told a lie in his life.”
- Robert S. Mueller
The source of the above text could not be independently verified.