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Keep America Great

“America is the greatest country on Earth, and we are going to make America great again!”

“We’re going to make America so great, you’ll be like, ‘Please…no more winning!’ and then you have to get a restraining order on winning.”​​​

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Putin Announces Trump Wins Iowa Caucus in Landslide

Russian President Vladimir Putin announces today that the results of the Iowa caucuses are in and the results are of “no surprise” as Donald Trump won every single vote. “I see this type of unanimous support a lot, actually. When the voters see a true hero available to them on the ballot, they just go for it. I wouldn’t be surprised if my friend Donald Trump wins the nomination for both parties.”

Jupiter’s Hurricane Says Dorian Just Showing Off

Hurricane Dorian, a Category 5 storm with sustained winds of 185mph and gusts up to 220mph, is “just showing off” according to Jupiter’s unnamed hurricane known as it’s Big Red Spot. “He’s probably just going to pull away from Florida at the last second and splash them. No balls“, said the 3-century-old behemoth.

What Does Your Uber Rating Say About You?

New York Open your Uber app and click the top left.  That’s your rating, and the funny thing is, your drivers have been rating you for years, yet most people have never seen their score, which is good!  That means you were being your true self in all those Uber rides, and over the long term, that says a lot about your personality.  So, what does your score mean?  Compare below; 5.0 Stars: Five stars only means one thing, you’re new. I’m guessing you just crawled out of your

Trump Winning Trade War Against American Companies

Washington President Donald Trump’s trade war victory becomes clearer each day as American companies are forced to pony up new fees to import critical parts and supplies for the survival of their business.  Many small businesses have razor thin profit margins and are forced to pass these costs on to the American consumer as the newest casualty in this unnecessary and misunderstood trade war, and many large companies are expected to follow suit to maintain value. To make matte

For Mother’s Day, Trump Thanks All Non-Mothers Who Swallowed

Washington Donald Trump gave a warm “Happy Mother’s Day” to all of his childrens’ mothers, and a very special “thank you” to all the dozens of porn stars, models, hookers, and rando strange he has encountered in his life that could very well have become even more mothers of his children had they not swallowed instead, totaling by some counts to be in the dozens.  Trump has long been known as a self-proclaimed womanizer with no loyalty or empathy for others, but this Mother’s

Attorney General Says Trump is Vegan Who Loves Crossfit

Washington United States Attorney General William Barr submitted a new letter to Congress and the American people outlining new information related to Donald Trump’s supposed diet of “Vegan only” as well as new details that the president “enjoys CrossFit and has done so for over 10 years ever since finding the PX-90 program too easy.” Barr echoes what President Trump’s personal doctors have stated in years past that he is “the healthiest president in history” at 6’2”, 225 lbs

Donald Trump Pardons Himself, Claims Total Exoneration

Washington Donald Trump broke with precedent today by not only issuing a pardon so early in his presidency, but by issuing that pardon to himself covering “all crimes (that I totally didn’t commit, by the way) that I may have committed or even been accused, especially by the Democrats (who are still upset about losing an election) who can’t accept that the Mueller Report totally exonerated me (which is why I don’t even need this full and complete pardon in the first place)”.

Bill Barr Insists Lying to Congress Not Perjury

Washington D.C. - Attorney General William Barr defied the House of Representatives today in refusing to show up for scheduled testimony in a continuing escalation by the executive branch refusing to allow Congress to exercise proper oversight, a core responsibility.  Barr is widely thought to have been untruthful in his previous testimony to Congress, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi outright calling Barr’s testimony criminal after he perjured himself, in once instance sayi

Mike Pence More Sure Than Ever He’s Not Gay

Washington D.C. - Vice President Mike Pence has long lived the dual life of publicly presenting himself as a conservative Republican who believes in traditional marriage while simultaneously overcompensating in his speech and actions to such a degree that many people have questioned if he is secretly gay.  But after President Trump attempted an awkward kiss, Pence said it became clear that he “definitely isn’t gay.”

Brady Software Update Complete, Ready for Five More Super Bowls

Boston, MA - The greatest coach quarterback in history just got better with bug fixes and performance improvement features in version 20.2019.1210 where you’ll notice faster speeds, greater platform stability, and the new Touchdown on Demand feature enhancement.  This powerful AI combo will meet all your needs by blowing away their opponents and the spread every week!  Enjoy!

Employee Awarded Best Excuses for Being Late Medal

New York - New employee Jeremy Jackson received the highest award a civilian can be bestowed, the Medal of Honorary Excuses after giving his supervisor over fifty excellent reasons why he has been late to work over the last two years.  “Traffic was horrible today!” and “I had a flat tire” were his first two great excuses but the hits kept coming with “my wife needed a ride to work”, “I stopped to help an old woman change her tire”, and “the water pipes in my house busted and

Everything Looks Like a Hidden Camera When You’re Paranoid

White House - President Trump isn’t the first person to realize that he’s been wiretapped and spied on without his knowledge.  Every day, more and more Americans find things that could very well be hidden cameras.  That Nest box above your bed, that’s a camera!  There is a microphone in the little Nest circle ⭕️ thing you control your house temperature.  Your phone, iWatch, Xbox and Alexa are always listening to you, that’s how they know to respond when you say their key phra

Trump Creating Enough Coal Jobs to Make Earth Type I Civilization

Washington D.C. - Donald Trump has promised clean coal jobs would be protected, and he has certainly proven to be an ally of the energy provider bolstering a record of both the successful deregulation of the coal industry and a 4% decrease in U. S. coal consumption over the previous year. And what do those two things spell? If you said jobs, you’ve been paying attention. Trump has created so many coal jobs, Earth is on the verge of creating a coal-powered Dyson Sphere! The

Trumpnotize

Trumpnotize Hah, sicker than your average Trump twist news on instinct Biden don’t think shit stink Fake hater My New York players Pen for my hooligans in Brooklyn Dead right If they head right Pardon them ery night Poppa been smooth since World War Two Never lose Never choose to You fake news Do somethin to us Talk goes through us Girls walk to us Wanna do us Screw us “who us?” Yeah, Poppa and Pence Close like Starsky and Hutch Flexin nuts I can drone strike In your sunroof

After Mueller Report, Even Russian Twitter Bots Calling for Impeachment

Washington D.C. - President Trump has enjoyed wide, almost unanimous support among Russia’s large farm of social media bots on Twitter and Facebook usually found posting positive comments about the president but virtually none had proper grammar, a clever way to blend with Trump supporters. But now that the Mueller Report has been released, those bot accounts are starting to speak out against what they see as a lawless president obstructing justice while defying the courts an

Man Takes Selfie at Grand Canyon Without Plunging to Death

Arizona - Despite driving to the Grand Canyon all the way from Dallas Texas, Alex Winston snapped a selfie without hurling himself into the rocky abyss.  Onlookers watched in bemusement as Winston took several photos without a flinch towards diving to certain death.  Witnesses saw Winston leave the area in his car unharmed, presumably to go take other selfies and not yell “GAINER”, jump, grab one knee and suddenly spring over the edge.

Trump Polling Worst Among Women He Assaulted

New York, N.Y. - It seems like everywhere you look, you can find a poll showing Donald Trump not doing well among [insert demographic]. This coupled with poor national polling averages puts Trump at the bottom of the popular contest among presidents. While the average of national polls shows Trump underperforming with minorities, he is even farther behind with certain groups such as African American women and millennials, but his greatest deficit lies with the women he assau

Secret Service Rushes Trump Offstage to Protect Several Women Spotted in Front Row

Washington, D.C. - Donald Trump was suddenly rushed offstage by the Secret Service after spotting several women in the front row of his rally. Secret Service sources say that given Trump's propensity to grab genitals, Secret Service agents had to take additional measures to protect women from Trump by ensuring they aren't allowed within grabbing distance, and certainly not the front row anywhere near Trump while he is speaking. "We are primarily focused on protecting Americ

Low Life (Lil Trump Remix)

Trump Life I turn casinos into poor house It's like bankruptcy number four now Go 'head and ash it on the floor now Girl go ahead and show me how you go down And I feel my whole body tweaking And I'm fucking pornstars with they legs wide Getting MAGA with some bitches from the West Side East Coast nickle reppin’ North Side Never waste a hoe's time Bitch I wear a long tie They think I’m The Fourth Reich Always change my story of my own lies Baby girl, I know lies Always had so

Scientists Able to Isolate Thoughts and Prayers Antibody

Atlanta - Scientists have finally isolated the thoughts and prayers antibody, also known as an superimmunoglobulin, is a protein boosting the immune system to more effectively neutralize pathogens by supernaturally recognizing antigens, via the holy trinity fragment antigen-binding (HtFab) variable region. Each prayer of the "Y" thoughts and prayers antibody contains various paratope relative to the number of prayers given to the affected area specific for one particular epit